Heads in the sand, or a heads-up?
Why honesty is the best policy when it comes to setting expectations…
Imagine: it’s Saturday morning. It’s been a long week, full of busy family activities: school, clubs, sports, meal-times, shopping…and all week, you have dreamt of your glorious free Saturday. A day to catch your breath. And then…your partner reveals he promised you’d all go to his parents’ house for the day. Instantly, your thoughts are spiralling in dismay. How could your beautiful free day go up in a puff of smoke? The chances are you’d be pretty unimpressed if that happened, right?
I realised that this was how my kids felt when I used to reveal plans to them at the last minute, or sometimes fail to tell them our family plans at all. Days out alone for me are rare, and days out where both mom and dad are out of the house, leaving kids with grandparents or a babysitter, are even rarer. Fearing tears, unhappiness and delay, sometimes it just felt easier for me, or us, to sneak out without a goodbye, leaving the kids with whoever was caring for them, to save time or to avoid a scene. Then it dawned on me that my actions were potentially eroding trust between us. I put myself in their shoes, and realised that yes, I would be irritated and unhappy if, in the future, when they are grown up, my boys did not communicate their movements to me and left the house without an explanation, or a goodbye. It would be disrespectful and unsettling. I realised that all the times I had sprung outings on the kids, when they cried and didn’t want to go, that what they were expressing was a feeling of being unsettled, of having new information presented to them without a choice, and without a chance to process it. It made them feel as though they were in freefall, with no preparation for what their day suddenly contained.
I think as parents we need to start modelling effective and respective communication with our kids as early as possible. I am all about learning as I go, and holding my hands up when I realise I could have done better. When I was a child, parents saying sorry and actively saying they had made mistakes and would try harder simply wasn’t done. One thing I strive to do with my kids is maintain my authority (I know it’s vital for me to be in charge, so they feel safe) but also to always show my humanity. I don’t want them to have a perfect robot mom! I want to be a human mom! A human mom who makes mistakes, but learns from them and takes responsibility for her actions. I want them to mirror my humanity. I want them to see my imperfections, so they see that they can fail; they can acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on, stronger and happier, secure in the knowledge that they are loved and that they’re trying. That we are all works in progress. That as long as we are honest in our communications, then we are doing our absolute best. And none of us can do any better than that!
My boys are constantly teaching me and helping me become a better mom through trial and error. What have your kids taught you?
